What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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