I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
