I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
