I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize