I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
