he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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