I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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