The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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