So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
