I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
