I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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