he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize