we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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