you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
