So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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