Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
