Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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