He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
