Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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