i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
