I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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