She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
