Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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