I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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