my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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