That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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