I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize