There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
