I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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