Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
