so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
