My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
