So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
