someone threw a dead crab at me
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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