I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
In other news, I just burned my penis
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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