Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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