the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
