ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
