can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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