Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
