I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
