Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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