Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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