I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
