this beer tastes like vomit already
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
