I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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