I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
