put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
