I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
