i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
