I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
