I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
