Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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