I want to have your abortion
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
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