I wish my penis had an off switch
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize