I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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