Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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