i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
