How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
i've created a new STD.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
